fill me.

I don't know why I push you away, when I know all I desire is to be close to You.
I get angry.
I get frustrated.
I'm sad and lonely.
And I know those feelings can change, if I let you back in.
It would be much easier for me to surrender and let you take over.
I keep holding on to the baggage, and it has become so heavy, I can't carry it anymore.
So you take it. Please.
Take my past hurts, mistakes, failures and frustrations, and get rid of them for me.
You carry those things somewhere far away, and don't let me go searching for them.
I've asked before, when I wasn't able to fully let go.
But I'm so tired... I'm ready.
Ready to feel worthy, loved, full of joy, peace and hope.
I haven't felt that way in so long.
Let your love fill me.

a sense of promise

***

i haven't written on this blog in forever.

and that needs to change.

i think i've been caught up in journaling (in a real notebook, with a real pen :]) lately that i forgot all about this.

well, now i think i need to begin again.

and it doesn't even matter if people don't read this.

i'm doing it for me.

***

on sunday morning during worship, i received a reminder of a promise that i had pushed away.

a promise that i had hidden in the dark corner of my mind, locked up and tried to forget about.

well, after a letter to me from Jesus, after a word shared during worship, and another word shared the sunday before that, i have taken that promise and brought it into the light.

i have dusted it off.

i have placed it out in the open.

i have placed that precious promise in His nail pierced hands.

and He is telling me that He is now fulfilling that promise.

my promise.

a promise from a Holy God.

from a God who's promises never return void.

i haven't felt this excited in a very long time.

it's beautiful.

thank you Lord, for giving me hope.

hope is just what i needed.

the promise fulfilled is what i need.

and You are doing just that.

***

...waiting...

As for God, His way is perfect. ♥ Psalm 18:30
I am holding on, grasping tightly to the knowledge that God knows what He is doing, that He always has my best in mind, and that His way is indeed perfect. And right now, that requires waiting. Whether I am the one who isn't ready, or my future someone isn't ready, or we both aren't ready... I'm waiting.
But, it's hard for me to wait for something that my heart desires more than anything. Watching others live out what I long for. Trying to be patient. Desperately trying to draw near to the Lord and allowing Him to be the only One my heart desires.
Who doesn't want to love, and be loved? Love is spectacular. Love is hopeful. It's beautiful. Love is sweet.
I can't wait to find out who I get to share this love with. And until I know, I will continue to wait.... Until the day that the man the Lord has for me, begins to pursue my heart. Until then. I will wait.

Happy Like Daisies

A friend once described me as being "happy like daisies " and it's been my favorite compliment I have ever received. I love those adorable little yellow and white delicate flowers that reach up high, turning their faces up to the warm sunshine. I wish that i could be happy like daisies all the time. I admire those people who are genuinely joyful at all times, no matter what the circumstances. I'm trying to get there. To smile and genuinely mean it. To love on people, letting happiness radiate from my very being. I want to embrace life and all it offers. Always knowing that the bad doesn't last forever, and that good always triumphs over evil. That laughter helps to ease pain, and smiles always encourage others. Something has been changing this week. The happiness I long for, the true undeniable joyfulness is welling up inside my heart waiting to break out. It's time to allow it to.
I desire to truly be Happy Like Daisies!

my heart hurts

tonight my heart hurts.
my teary eyes are filled to overflowing.
my heart is beating so fast, it causes my head to pound.
it shouldn't matter anymore.
it shouldn't hurt anymore.
i shouldn't care anymore.
actually, i don't know if 'care' is the right word.
because when i honestly examine my feelings, i guess i truly feel left out.
alone.
sad.
wondering what i could have done to lessen the heartache.
it's exhausting.
i'm tired of letting this bother me.
...of letting those memories flood into my mind like a rushing, icy river.
leaving me breathless, cold and saddened.
i want with everything i am, for tonight to be the last time my heart aches with this much hurt.

have i missed it?

i wish i could stop looking at the past.
what could have been.
what might have been.
what isn't, nor ever will be.
have i missed something that He wanted me to do?
i'm plagued with looking backward, when i should be looking forward.
i feel that i have had opportunities that are now lost.
that i won't get another chance.
that i have already been given my allotted amount of opportunities.
that i am stuck here and i'm not moving forward.
and it hurts my heart.
because i know it's not true.
i know that i haven't ran out of opportunities.
i know there is more to come.
something better.
something more lovely.
more beautiful.
more perfect for me.
designed by a God who loves me, more then i could ever comprehend.

and i'll just continue to wait.
until He decides to reveal the rest of His plan for me.
i'm tired of waiting.
but He knows.
and He won't keep me waiting. for long.

a new day

...Seasons are changing...
My heart is glad.
My heart leaps for joy.
***
waiting... with longing.
trusting... with faith.
abiding... in his love.
wanting... him.
desiring... complete patience.
releasing... hopes. dreams. desires.
...Contentment...
with where i am. with who i am. with my place.